THE DAILY DOSE – READ ALL ABOUT IT
Each day I need my fix. Each day I crave. Each day I seek it out. One day at a time.
Woe betide anything or anyone that gets in my way. I do it in secret, usually, unless a like-minded friend is around or unless I’m showing others what a bad thing it is for the soul. I rarely talk about it even though it affects the way I live my life and shapes my world.
I like to share how it makes me feel. I get angry, I get irritated, I sometimes get fits of laughter and days of sadness. If I get too much of it, my mind really gets screwed.I start to imagine things and distort the facts to suit my needs. I fail to understand or fully comprehend. It’s like a fog surrounds my thoughts and the only way I can see through it is to have another daily dose.
The habit is eating away at my confidence on every level. I realise that I am unhealthy, my body is ugly and my dress sense is shapeless and style-less. Every time I can get to it, I absorb it, breathe it in, it is insidious. It gives my world colour, sometimes bright vivid hues or dark, dark shades of life in the shadows.
My worse nightmares, are confirmed. I know I am not a nice person, I don’t deserve to get the help I receive. A scrounger, not welcome, not bright enough, too quiet, too fat, ugly. I am damaging my children. I need surgery or mind-altering drugs. I am poor, I am rich. I’m a loser but might win the lottery.
It seems that the amount I consume is closely related to the fear I feel. I am scared and scarred forever. It is my truth. Every day is the same, more fights, more disagreements, lies, scandal, thieving from the less fortunate to feed bad habits. It isn’t fair.
Those around me are angry, some say we’ll end up fighting in the streets or we’ll all die too young. Fear distracts me from facing up to the truth but I choose to do nothing about it. I sit here worried, fearful, stressed, desperate yet still I look for more of my daily dose.
Someone suggested that the only way to break the cycle is to try a softer option. I tried but failed. I craved the excitement, my other world where life can be great and where I can take comfort from the dysfunction that is happening around me. I can share the dreams of fame and fortune, castles in the sky and endless sex. Orgasms like you’ve never experienced, with stunning specimens. Walk-in wardrobes and million dollar lifestyles. My new best friends, my obsession. No matter what I try, I keep coming back for more.
People like me try to hide it. People like me need a daily dose. Head lines, shock horror, disgust, distaste, disrespect are the order of the day. If the outside world is crumbling then my world seems OK. My fortune is set in fate and my stars predict my fate, there is nothing I can do to alter how it will be, it is in my genes, it is in my stars and it is my destiny so no matter what I do, it isn’t going to make a difference. That’s is why I do what I do and don’t do what I don’t do….there is no point. It is all before me.
There is hope. Every so often I clutch onto a glimmer of hope. I hold on tightly. A distant time when fairness and truth isn’t futile, where difference is celebrated and where suffering has ceased. It is distant.
The daily dose takes those dreams away but still seduces me into the occasional fantasy. A never-ending cycle of hope and despair, happiness and sadness, guilt and gluttony, numbness. Peaceful endings are rare, calm and rationality are rarer.
This is my daily dose: Lout throws good Samaritan at train; 16k benefits fraud; I’ve slept with 1000 men; bank boss’s 1 million pound bonus; The end of Britain?; David Cameron’s three “lies” in just 30 minutes; Parents who left their newborn with broken bones all over her body walk free from court after judge blames SOCIAL WORKERS; Mother-of-four attends sham wedding of her partner to another woman…and then assumes bride’s identity to stay in the UK; How the Falkland Islanders are preparing themselves for either untold riches… or Armageddon; Asil Nadir ‘needed 135 tonnes of cash’ to save his falling empire; Italian priest who told parishioners he was going on a religious retreat is rumbled after being rescued from Concordia cruise liner; Shop hero who wrestled with ‘thief’s accomplice’ is sued for compensation; Farmer jailed after scores of dead and rotting animals are found on his farm; Paramedics left aspiring model to die at party after he downed 14 shots of vodka telling him to ‘sleep it off’; Twitter sparks free speech fury by announcing it will censor messages country-by-country; Traffic warden hailed a hero after exposing secret quotas forcing inspectors to issue 10 tickets a day; Growing taste for elephant meat in Thailand raises risk of extinction claims horrified animal welfare group; Boy, 6, accused of sexual assault on classmate during playground game of tag; The mouse that tweets like a BIRD: Japanese scientists create genetically-modified singing rodent; Do you take this warehouse? Woman to marry a BUILDING to save it from demolition (don’t expect much of a wedding night); Archbishop of York tells David Cameron not to overrule the Bible by allowing gay marriage; How do men really feel about sex with virgins?; What a brain looks like on drugs; ‘What baby weight?’: Carla Bruni gets her slender figure back just three months after giving birth; ‘She’s so skinny!’ Fans react as Lucy-Jo Hudson shows off her slimmer-than-ever figure on This Morning; Bed bugs! New York’s Ritz-Carlton hotel has some unexpected guests; I didn’t want to be the fat one! After seeing her Birds Of A Feather co-star Pauline Quirke shed 8½st, Linda Robson reveals how much she’s just lost; Motorist stabbed to death in ‘road rage’ attack; Scientists race to build shield to protect us from asteroids; Drinking lots of tea could cut your heart disease risk, study says; Real life: I was only born because my mother was raped. The world is going to end in October.